Bullying.
It has been in the news a lot lately. Just in the last few weeks we have witnessed a college student tragically taking his own life after being “outed” by a bullying roommate. We have seen a father arrested after he tried to protect his daughter from bullies. We have seen outrage in the media. We have seen Ellen DeGeneres and others put out anti-bullying messages on Facebook and elsewhere. Perhaps, finally, something will be done.
Yeah…. right.
In a few days the uproar will have faded, the media will have moved on, and people will stop paying attention and will stop caring – if they ever really cared to begin with. Bullying will move out of our national consciousness for a while – but believe me, the bullying won’t stop. In a few months there will be another tragic incident. Perhaps this next time the victim will grab a gun and kill the bully – that has certainly happened often enough. Once again, there will be a national outrage. Bullying will dominate the talk shows. People will make loud speeches about how things must change. But, things won’t change.
You know why things won’t change? Because people really don’t care. They blame the victim, not the bully. Even with tragic incidents in our recent memory, there is an undercurrent of giggles. People just laugh about how the victim “couldn’t handle it” or “just needs to get over it.” The bullies will claim that they were “just teasing” and they shouldn’t be held responsible because the victim “can’t take a joke.”
Bullying will not stop until we, as a society, stop blaming the victim. Bullying will not stop until the bullies are confronted with the one thing they really understand: Power. It is time to start bullying the bullies.
Let me share a personal story.
I was mercilessly bullied as a child, from the time I entered school in Kindergarten, until sometime near the end of highschool. My primary tormentors were other children, but at times the bullying was encouraged (and sometimes even perpetrated) by teachers and parents. I have particular hatred for a third grade teacher who actively organized the other students against me.
In retrospect, I was the perfect bullying target. I was a fat nerdy kid with thick glasses. For some unexplained reason, my parents did not teach me good personal hygiene skills – so we can add greasy to that list. I was lousy at sports at a school where sports were all that really mattered. I lacked social skills. I was loud. I was an only child of parents who were a generation older than the parents of my peers – and thus I was out of synch with popular culture.
The experience was absolute hell. I cannot even begin to describe it – and even if I could find the right words I suspect nobody would believe the intensity of the experiences – that is unless they have experienced it themselves. Even thirty or more years later, I still seethe when I recall what went on.
Guess what? You don’t “just get over it.” It leaves scars – permanent scars. Oh – I have certainly moved on. I was successful in college and I have gone on to a successful career. I am married and have kids and I have lots of friends. My students generally like and respect me. Sure – people think I am a little crazy – but generally that is crazy in a fun way. But the scars are still there. You don’t just get over it.
This became very apparent to me recently. Over the summer, an old friend was killed in a tragic accident. This was someone whom I had known since first grade. As a child, I spent many an afternoon at his house. Later, he and I both developed an interest in music, and he became one of my first band-mates. In fact, he and I were in bands together for much of highschool. We indeed shared some good times.
He was a friend – but he also bullied me. Not physically – but psychologically. He was exceptionally intelligent with a biting wit that could cut your legs from under you in an instant. He was one of those people who would be your friend in private – but would turn on you in a crowd when it was no longer cool to be your friend. In my mind, that is one of the worst types of bully.
All of this happened over 30 years ago, and in the interim I have rarely thought of him. But, when he died, all of the memories came rushing back. I was troubled by my personal reaction. I was conflicted. I found I could not grieve appropriately because I still retained a lingering resentment all of these years later.
I realize this says as much about me as it does about my tormentors. I need to forgive and forget. Indeed, I have forgiven – but I have not forgotten. I have moved on, but the scars are still there. I am reminded of those scars every time a tragic case of bullying rises into our national consciousness.
How is bullying to be stopped? Obviously, it isn’t going to stop because of some consciousness-raising workshop done in the schools. The bullies laugh at such programs. It isn’t going to stop because a school adopts a “zero tolerance” policy – because the bullies find a way around that policy. Bullying will not stop if we allow ourselves to quietly giggle about the victim’s inability to “take a joke.”
Bullies thrive because they have power – both social power and physical power. The only way to stop them is to turn some of that power back on them. Remember Carrie?
No – I am not advocating that bullies be subjected to homicidal psychic powers. I am suggesting that we, as a society, need to come down on bullies and come down on them hard.
The Rutgers student who outed his roommate should be facing manslaughter charges.
Parents of bullies – particularly those who encourage their children to bully – should face both civil and criminal penalties.
Teachers and coaches who advocate bullying should be fired and should face legal action as well.
The father who was arrested for protecting his daughter from bullies should instead be getting medals.
All of the talk shows and sensitivity seminars and faux “zero tolerance” policies will do nothing. It is time to start bullying the bullies. It is time to start making them responsible for their actions.
Tags: Bullying, Education, Law, National Affairs, observations, psychology, psychopathology, reflections, wordpress-political-blogs
October 5, 2010 at 3:30 pm |
Well you can count me as one who exemplifies the problem.
I actually agree with your solution and have always lead my life that way. As a youth who was always bigger than his peers I was told not hit those smaller than me. Well let me tell you when 1,2,3+ or more gnats hound,hit and harass you daily sooner or later its go time.
On the flip side there is something to be said with allowing but not encouraging an amount of bullying. Humans are animals and as such have to establish our social orders lest we produce a generation of whiny useless turds. That may seem harsh but I look at it from an international conflict perspective. Whether on the battlefield or in the board room we need to be able to succeed.
Anyway those are my quick thoughts.
October 5, 2010 at 7:29 pm |
Alfie, as always I admire your honesty.
I have heard the “survival makes you tougher” argument before – and frankly, from personal experience, I don’t think it hold water.
In the article I mentioned that the bullying had subsided by the time I graduated from highschool. Want to know why? There were lots of factors – but a big one is that I learned to fight. I discovered a sport I excelled at (swimming) and although it wasn’t a “cool” sport it did turn that fat to muscle. I was always a tall kid – and once I had some strength I was able to physically match most of the bullies. I beat the shit out of a few of em, and that stemmed the tide a bit. But, you know what happened? The bullies just banded together and complained to the teacher that I was starting the fights – and since they were the “cool” kids and because they banded together they were believed. One kind of bullying was simply replaced by another. I survived – and I learned to fight – but do I feel stronger for it? Absolutely not. Like I said, I still have scars.
You know, a combat veteran who lost a leg in a battle might tell you that they had survived and that it made them stronger – but you can be pretty sure they would rather have the leg back.
October 5, 2010 at 8:27 pm |
I work in a school setting and see this more often than I’d like. The children are rarely held accountable. Behavior plans are poorly thought out and rarely executed correctly. It makes me crazy!
October 6, 2010 at 1:42 pm |
Hey Carly! You are absolutely right about behavior plans. Once every quarter (or however often) we go through these intense planning meetings and produce a plan so that we can carefully fail to implement it. If children are held accountable then parents will commonly try to take you to court in protest. It is an amazingly broken system.
October 5, 2010 at 8:43 pm |
hippieprof,
This is one area where we need not be at each others throats. I grew up in a couple of different neighborhoods and schools in Philadelphia. I was fortunate in coming from a large family and having a lot of friends. You mentioned school bullying. My own experience is that school bullying is totally the fault of the teachers,,,period. And Principals.
From kindergarten through 4th grade I lived in a housing project. We had a lot of neighborhood bullying. We had roaches and yet it was one of the happiest periods of my life. Friends and family helped with fights. We really did not have gangs in the classic sense, but you stayed in groups and you were fine.
I also have to say that for a poor area we had excellent teachers who used older children to monitor and control the younger kids. This was the early 60s when the teachers were not overpaid and actually cared about us.
In the late 60s I lived in a much better neighborhood where it was much safer. I attended Junior High in a combined school, where 7th through 12th grades were mixed together. As a 7th grader I was lower than dog crap. We were not bullied, we were terrorized by the 9th and 10th graders. This was the fault of the school for mixing those age groups and not providing adequate adult supervision.
About half the teachers cared, the other half just collected a pay check. They all got paid the same.
I can tell you a story about one of the younger kids within my relation. He was a wrestler and was bullied in the school yard. He retaliated, beat the bully up and was disciplined because of zero tolerance for fighting. This is how worthless and lazy many of today’s teachers and principals are.
October 6, 2010 at 4:50 pm |
Alan said: You mentioned school bullying. My own experience is that school bullying is totally the fault of the teachers,,,period. And Principals.
Agreed – though I would add parents to that as well. There are plenty of parents out there who encourage bullying in their kids – either by modeling it at home, or even actively instructing their children to be bullies.
He retaliated, beat the bully up and was disciplined because of zero tolerance for fighting. This is how worthless and lazy many of today’s teachers and principals are.
I don’t think this is so new, Alan. The same thing happened to me 40 years ago. Someone would sucker punch me, I would hit back, but I would end up getting caught and being disciplined.
October 5, 2010 at 8:45 pm |
HP, I found this painful to read. I want to go back in time and hug the little boy who used to be you. Very un-PC of me, I know. I was fairly tormented in elementary school, but for different reasons. We moved around a lot, so I was always the “new kid”, plus I was tiny. I started school at 5, so I was always a year younger than everyone else, and small to begin with. By the time we moved to the town I would live in until I graduated from high school, I was at the end of the fifth grade and had my one and only experience with real serious bullying. Every morning I would get off the school bus, and he would be waiting for me, and he would push me down in the dirt. Ditto during recess. We had a hollow tree just outside the playground and I would spend recess hiding in it. I told my parents, my teachers, and of course, the bus driver saw it happening. But no one would help me. That was when I knew that only I could save my own life. So while you may not have felt stronger, I learned to be and won.
October 6, 2010 at 8:00 am |
HP, I found this painful to read. I want to go back in time and hug the little boy who used to be you. Very un-PC of me, I know.
Don’t worry about being un-PC – hugs are always good (he says with a mischievous un-PC grin).
Believe me, this was hard to write too. It has been cathartic, though, so I am glad I wrote it.
That was when I knew that only I could save my own life. So while you may not have felt stronger, I learned to be and won.
I think this is true – some people do emerge from such experiences stronger. I survived – and I have managed to move on and experience some success – but stronger? No – I wouldn’t say that.
I do think that what I experienced was at the far end of the severity spectrum. The worst of it started in 3rd grade. My teacher was an old battleaxe Irish nun who had just moved to the city. One day, during history class, she mispronounced the name of a local landmark. She was new to the city, and I had lived there for my entire life – so I knew she was wrong. I made the huge mistake of correcting her. She exploded – how DARE I question her authority. It would have been fine had it ended there – but she decided to really punish me. She gave me a sarcastic nickname (“professor” – ironic that I eventually became one) and told all of the other children that from that moment forward they were all to call me by that name. Further, she made up a little chant and told the other children that they were to taunt me with the chant at every opportunity. And they did…. I spent many a recess curled up in a fetal position while a dozen or more children danced around me, chanting and taunting, kicking me and spitting on me and blowing their noses on me – all of this within full view of multiple teachers who did absolutely nothing to put a stop to it. I would return to the classroom after recess covered in spit and snot – and the teacher did nothing. Of course she didn’t – she had ORGANIZED it. This happened virtually every day.
(Tex – if you are reading this – herein lies my first turn away from religion. This was done by a nun at a Catholic school. The school sanctioned cruelty – and indeed that is very very hard to forgive or forget)
I am sure you have read Lord of the Flies. I was Piggy. “Kill the Pig! Cut his throat! Spill his Blood!” They did just about everything they could short of the throat cutting.
I was what – eight years old at the time? That was over 40 years ago, and even as I write this I find the anger welling up in me…
Eventually my parents listened and tried to intervene. We had a conference. The teacher said “Oh gee, I was only joking, little Jimmy just needs to learn to take a joke ha ha ha!” Sorry. It wasn’t a joke. It was sadistic torture.
The next day the teacher informed the rest of the students that I had complained to mommy, and suggested that they add that to their repertoire of taunting.
The teacher was gone from the school after that year – I will never know why – but I was in school with many those same kids all the way through high school – and once you establish a pattern of abuse it is damned hard to break.
Yes – I survived – but believe me I am not stronger for the experience. It has had long-term effects. You have even noticed one of those effects yourself. At various times you have questioned why I put up with things that people say here and on other blogs. Now you know one of the reasons. I put up with shit that a lot of people wouldn’t – because in my childhood I learned that it is sometimes just best to take it because if you take a stand it will only get worse.
Sorry of this is coming off as too bitter – bad memories are indeed flooding back and I need take a break from this for a bit. My life right now is pretty good – I don’t wallow in depression and self-pity. I generally like myself and I am proud of things I have accomplished. But – I would never claim that I am stronger for my childhood experiences.
October 6, 2010 at 4:32 am |
Hippie,
This was actually a very good write. No politics involved – you should write more of these. I guess it hit home with me maybe more than most because I had the absolute worst kind of bully – my father. I have made a concerted effort in both my daughter’s lives to never bully. Time will tell.
My father was a little man that had an incredibly rough childhood – adopted as a newborn, unloved and uncared for – provided with all the necessities but without the most important component called nurturing. He never had Christmas or a birthday party, and was raised by a nanny. And it carried thru to his children. My sister got it worse than I did, as my father had this horrid character flaw of apparently getting a great deal of satisfaction from humiliating his children in front of their friends. The larger the crowd, the better the bully.
Reflecting back, though I love my mom dearly as everyone loves my mom, with respect to my dad, mom was weak and an enabler. I think the worst part for me personally is simply being embarrassed to call my own father, ‘my father.’ A son needs to look up to his father – I never had that and it did indeed harden me; no doubt. Matter of fact, I have never had a personal male role model. Though I’ve been surrounded with wonderful women, especially the one I am married to and that is the honest truth, the men have let me down. I’ve had people say, including my mother, “but other children have had it worse. Look at the abusive, alcoholic fathers.” And I ask, “What is worse? A vicious, abusive drunk or a vicious abuser that is stone cold sober. At least the alcoholic has an excuse, albeit a poor one.”
When I was younger, I was a good athlete. I mentioned athletics because you did and because my father attempted to live his life through his son’s athletics. In retrospect, he so burned me out with his pettiness, browbeating and vile behavior at events, at 15 I walked away just to spite him, which I now hugely regret because I will never know what might have been. My happiest moments in sports were those few times my father was not in attendance.
About ten years ago, we made peace. Or should I say I made peace. I did it out of respect and love for my mother. My father’s time draws pretty short as he is deteriorating quickly, I pray my mother outlives him. I have reconciled myself to I don’t want him to go to the grave with him believing I hate him and as I’ve got older, instead of reacting, I find myself contemplating why people act the way they do. Even as I write this, I have some regret in sharing it.
I know sometimes you think me the bully Hippie. But hopefully you’ll understand that as someone who was bullied unmercifully through childhood and the formative years, I learned how to play the game well. And when I feel like I’m being bullied, I bully back.
You are absolutely right. You can forgive but you never forget. That old story about driving nails into the fence post is absolutely true. You can pull the nails, but the hole remains.
If I have sometimes made you feel as if you were being bullied, forgive me. Most of it was in jest and I thought you smart enough to understand that. I have this sense of requiring justice and truth. When I don’t feel it is being applied, I too can be vicious. I’m afraid part of my father may have been inbred more than I care to believe.
October 6, 2010 at 5:01 pm |
Tex said: I guess it hit home with me maybe more than most because I had the absolute worst kind of bully – my father.
Tex, that is at least one thing I had on my side – loving and supportive parents. They weren’t able to do a lot to help me – and in some frustrating cases they didn’t believe that what I was describing could possibly be going on – but they never bullied me and I was always sure that they loved me. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a father as a bully.
Even as I write this, I have some regret in sharing it.
I understand the feeling. I have had some similar regrets about sharing the things have been writing. It has been cathartic – but it has also brought some really bad times back into memory.
If I have sometimes made you feel as if you were being bullied, forgive me.
No need to ask forgiveness, Tex. I have never felt bullied by you. As you know, I sometimes think you are angry and aggressive – but you also don’t have any real power over me. I could easily walk away and never interact with you again. That was not the case with the people who bullied me in my childhood.
I am actually glad you shared this, because it does help me to understand you a lot better – and even relate to you personally in a way I had not thought possible.
October 6, 2010 at 4:45 am |
And, I agree. I should have added this, but I was getting long winded in my sermon above. And do you know Hippie, I think you and I are in the vast minority to hold that opinion? And I for the life of me, I can not understand why the father was held in contempt by anyone.
I heard that story on the news. I listened closely to what process the father followed. If I understood correctly, he went to the authorities and nothing was done. If I understood correctly, the daughter is disabled (cerebral palsy, I think). What alternative did society leave the father? What, let the daughter be tormented? I think only somebody that has been personally bullied can fully understand the situation. Maybe that is why you and I draw the same conclusion. What that father did, I would have done as well and wouldn’t give a damn what anyone else thought. Anyone bullies or threatens my children, I will react very strongly. Any loving father would do the same in my book.
October 6, 2010 at 5:06 pm |
Tex said: I think only somebody that has been personally bullied can fully understand the situation.
Tex, truer words have never been spoken. I am often struck by the fact that people just don’t get it – they really don’t understand what it is to be bullied. The only ones who get it are the ones who have experienced it personally.
You might find this interesting. My reactions to racism are largely informed by my personal experiences with being bullied. I equate the two in my mind. I have never experienced racism, but I suspect that the experience is probably something like that of being bullied. As you know, I am pretty quick to play the “race card” when I see other people doing what seem to be racist things. This is why. I equate the experience racism to what I experienced – and hence I am sympathetic.
October 6, 2010 at 7:13 am |
What I don’t understand is how many people look at bullying as its own separate issue apart from larger, systemic issues. The media, in particular, never seems to question why someone might bully – and never seems to look at the link between bullying and domestic violence. Children learn both cruelty and compassion from somewhere, and usually, that somewhere is home.
Are the students at fault? Yes. But, what about their parents? What messages are they getting that it is okay to treat others this way? Why were they not stopped and disciplined at their first act of cruelty? Why were they not taught to value and applaud the differences of others, rather than to mock and ridicule them?
But, it’s not only parents. Teachers, the administration, the media, other students…we all need to be held responsible for teaching compassion. If we don’t, we’re failing and we’re only punishing one small part of the problem.
October 6, 2010 at 7:25 am |
Mornin’ Astasia! Thanks for dropping by and commenting.
Children learn both cruelty and compassion from somewhere, and usually, that somewhere is home. …. Are the students at fault? Yes. But, what about their parents? What messages are they getting that it is okay to treat others this way?
I couldn’t agree more. I have a theory that kids who are bullies grow up into parents who are bullies who in turn encourage – not just tolerate but ENCOURAGE – bullying by their own children. Over the years I have witnessed many a parent praising a child for cruel behavior. It simply amazes me.
But, it’s not only parents. Teachers, the administration, the media, other students…
Again, I agree. I have seen teachers not only ignore bullying – but condone and PARTICIPATE in it. Again, it is mind boggling…
Several other people in this thread have made similar comments – so you have to wonder – if we are in agreement why isn’t something done? I fear the reason is that a substantial portion of the population simply does not think it is a problem – and in fact thinks it is funny.
October 6, 2010 at 12:15 pm |
It’s a sign of sick society if you ask me. You mentioned bullying a generational thing, and I think you are right to a degree. But because of my own scars, I reacted just the opposite with my own children. It was very important to me that their childhood be happy, and both were. But Hippie – you aren’t totally without fault. Let’s think about some of the people you quote and support – say the bullies on MSNBC or in the Democratic party. And they are equally cowards, because it is never done face-to-face. There are a few on your board that remind me of the bullying cowards on MSNBC. And sure, there are many on the other side of the aisle as well. I save you the response.
I’m not condemning you. I knew you a nice guy from the start. I probably could have guessed you bullied by your reaction(s) to me. You revealed much about yourself here and I admire that in a man. It’s a gift to share and a form of rare honesty in dialogue. It might surprise you that I believe we might be friendly in the real world. In fact, this post helps me to understand why you turned out the way you did, and why you rejected much of your upbringing. From the story of your older parents, to your friends, to the nun, I learned a lot about you in this post and your responses.
It was a nice change of scenery for once, even if painful for you to share it. I found my first response to you a tad cathartic, as it allowed me to drop my guard for a minute.
October 6, 2010 at 5:13 pm
But because of my own scars, I reacted just the opposite with my own children. It was very important to me that their childhood be happy, and both were.
I think that is a very healthy and positive way to move forward. Indeed, I try to do the same with my children.
When I speak of a generational effect, I am not so much talking about the parents who bully their own kids. I am talking about parents who – as adults – use bullying tactics in their interactions with other adults (and other people’s children). They model this behavior for their own children and in fact actively encourage it in their own children. Disgusting…..
October 6, 2010 at 3:10 pm |
HP no worries if you’d rather not respond since this is so personal.
I am curious if you have ever pondered if the scars could be seen more as calluses?
I appreciate that it may be but mere nuance but it is an area I actually care about. Not in my neck of the woods per se but in MA. we had the Phoebe Prince story. A textbook example of modern day “e” updated bullying as well as the best example of institutional failure.
October 6, 2010 at 3:48 pm |
I am curious if you have ever pondered if the scars could be seen more as calluses?
Alfie, it is a fair question. In my case, I would probably have to call them scars. I am not sure if you read my response to FN, where I go into some detail – but what I experienced was really pretty extreme. I generally live a normal life and I am not mentally ill (or at least I don’t think so –
) But, I still react to certain situations in ways that I consider to be far from normal. The fact that I retain so much anger 30 to 40 years after these events says something.
I wasn’t familiar with Phoebe Prince – so I googled it. Here is the first story I came across:
http://www.newsweek.com/2010/10/04/phoebe-prince-should-bullying-be-a-crime.html
Wouldn’t you know it – another person arguing that bullying isn’t really so bad…. Sorry, at least in my experience, it is….
I generally don’t believe there is a hell. But – I almost hope there is a hell so that the teacher I talk about in my response to FN could be burning there.
October 6, 2010 at 6:43 pm |
hippieprof,
I do not disagree with you on parents, but practically in any large school you have kids from all kinds of house holds. The school people still have primary responsibility. I remember about a decade ago in a school district just south of where I live now, an older bully with a record of bad behavior jumped on a girl about half his body weight and put her in the hospital for months. He thought he was a WWW wrestler. This was not an act out of the blue. The schools do not know how to handle their problem children.
I said before that when I was in elementary school they had it down to a science. The teachers were a physical presence. They had older kids who helped monitor the younger ones. And that was in a really bad section of town. It just worked.
October 6, 2010 at 11:26 pm |
Amen brother! I said this exact thing to my wife when I heard about the Rutgers case.
October 6, 2010 at 11:54 pm |
While teachers and parents of bullies need to step in …. somehow we need to help kids not be bait. I’ve never met a bullied kid (myself included) that didn’t somehow facilitate the situation. Bullies have radar. They know who they can bully and get away with it. If the kid doesn’t have the where-with-all to handle it, then his or her parents have to find a way to counsel him.
Billy Garris (yes his real name … I don’t give a f*ck … if you’re reading this, good for you) used to punch on me all the time in Jr High. But I sent out a vibe that what he thought, mattered to me. He sensed my neediness and it played out very poorly. Richie Mast (again real name … i don’t care) was my friend except when Billy came around, then I was odd man out. My mom kept telling me to get out from under Billy’s ass. Had I listened, I would have suffered less.
My six year old has encountered a bully at gymnastics. A psychological bully more than physical. Tells her “you can’t do gymnastics, you’ll never be good at it.” And “you’re black and that’s a bad thing.” The second comment broke my wife’s heart. My first instinct was to either call the gym or go there and shove my cane up the snotnosed girl’s ass. Instead, calmer heads prevailed. My daughter let her coach know there was an issue (in her six year old way) and then decided she didn’t give a damn what the bully had to say. It also helps that my daughter can “out-gymnast” the little assh*le without breaking a sweat. By the way, the bully is the daughter of one of the other coaches.
Isn’t it fascinating how early these kids learn about power and how to wield it? That’s why part of combating the problem must be to invest our kids with power. To make them understand from minute-one how pathetic bullies really are … how inferior they really are.
On a final note. When it comes to our parents being bullies, I think many of us have suffered that at some point or another. Tex had it in the extreme. I had it less so, but my Mom was tough. Some would say she bullied me psychologically but she was so obsessed with my not being psychologically weak. Was no doubt related to my physical disability. She didn’t want me taken advantage of so she was tough on me not to be a “chump” as she used to put it. Even into adult hood, I felt brow-beaten at times but I know she loved me dearly. She did it the only way she knew how. The same was no doubt true of Tex’s Dad too, no matter how bad it seemed.
Thanks for the post HP …. again very courageous on your part, as I’ve come to expect.
October 7, 2010 at 8:36 pm |
While teachers and parents of bullies need to step in …. somehow we need to help kids not be bait. I’ve never met a bullied kid (myself included) that didn’t somehow facilitate the situation.
I dunno, R – this is sounding a lot like blaming the victim to me. Indeed, most bullied kids have huge targets painted right on their foreheads – but I would never want the kid to think it is somehow their fault. Their self confidence is already pretty low, and that is a terrible burden to add.
A lot of the time parents really don’t know how to help, either. As I mentioned, my parents were a generation older than those of my peers. They listened to Benny Goodman. Parents of my peers listened to Elvis. That immediately puts you at a cultural disadvantage – and the parent has no clue how to fix it.
October 7, 2010 at 8:42 pm |
Richie Mast (again real name … i don’t care) was my friend except when Billy came around, then I was odd man out.
Yeah – those are the worst kind, aren’t they – the ones who are your friend when it is convenient but turn on you when the Alpha Bully comes along. I find I have more long term resentment towards those people….
It is interesting how you name real names. I have been thinking – what would be an effective way to demonstrate how widespread and damaging bullying can be? I wonder if there might be a way to have a “National name the person who bullied you” day – in which people were encouraged to post the real names of there tormentors in some public location – or perhaps on a facebook page or something. If there were a way to do it while avoiding lawsuits and false accusations it might be an interesting exercise – and might be cathartic.
October 6, 2010 at 11:59 pm |
Now, on a side note … get your butt over to my blog. I need reinforcements as the usual suspects defend a house burning down because the owner didn’t pay a $75.00 fee.
October 7, 2010 at 7:07 am |
R – yeah – I have been following the discussion there. Crazy…. I have been busy over here but will jump in later this morning.
October 7, 2010 at 7:21 pm |
> It is time to start bullying the bullies.
Hear ! Hear! My experience is that many bullies are in fact cowards. They do not want an “even” fight; if it appears that will happen, they back off.
As for forgive and forget, I don’t know where that foolishness comes from. Religion, I guess. I am not religious.
I neither forgive nor forget. By forgive, I mean, not hold it against the person, That doesn’t mean there is some burning hatred for the person. That is not worth the emotional energy, in most cases.
But should I be fortunate and the day come when that person needs some help from me, it will not be forthcoming. Or perhaps I can spike an opportunity for that person even if my help has not been requested.
The Bible has something about “an eye for an eye”, which I understand was a call for proportionality. In Asia, it is: a head for an eye: escalation. Push me, and I’ll throw you across the room. Throw me across the room and I’ll throw you out of the room through a window. I find it quite effective…IF the other party understands how you will react. They usually do, after the first escalation.
That escalation attitude works the other way too: if you’re good to me, I’m going to be even better to you.
October 7, 2010 at 8:28 pm |
As for forgive and forget, I don’t know where that foolishness comes from. Religion, I guess. I am not religious.
Spencer – I am glad you said that. I have been feeling pretty guilty over the last couple of days because I am starting to question how much I have actually forgiven. The fact that I still have so much anger and resentment suggests to me I haven’t.
October 7, 2010 at 11:21 pm |
HP, two points.
First, yes I knew my comment might be interpreted as blaming the victim and that is certainly not my intent. It is important however, to recognize that bullying victims are NOT powerless. If we only depend on the parents of bullies and teachers and administrators then we take all the power away from the victim. The victim must have survival strategies. They fall in two categories: 1) Avoidance of harm and 2) Proactive behavior.
Under 1 — don’t try to make friends with a bully. It won’t work. So many kids (like myself when I was young) think “if I can just make him my friend he’ll stop bullying me”. The better advice is avoid the bully at all costs.
Under 2 — Focus on what you are GOOD at and folks will flock to you for your strengths. This tends to keep bullies at bay. Chris Rock and other comedians talk about how being funny kept them from being beaten up. If we invest our kids with self-worth … not blame them for their victimization … but encourage them to flaunt what they are good at, we get at least a partial solution. One of the reasons the tiny bigot at gymnastics is not driving my daughter crazy is that my daughter knows she (my daughter) is a better gymnast. And she has made other friends because of it. LOL …. just the other day, she did a back handspring and even the bully had to give her props.
So, no … I’m really not talking about blaming the victim. I’m talking about empowerment in combination with parental/teacher/admin vigilance.
Second point (LOL that first one went on longer than I intended): The funny thing about name-the-bully day is this: Don’t you suspect that in 99% of cases, those bullies who are now adults have no idea how much they hurt you? Don’t you figure if you did tell them they would be shocked? I think in many cases that would be true.
October 8, 2010 at 5:26 pm |
[...] The Hippie Professor …behavior to the left of the repertoire « The Bully Pulpit [...]
October 9, 2010 at 10:45 am |
Interesting article and responses. I was bullied exactly twice in my life both times in high school. Both times I went to my dad and he told me to first, let the school know(Which did no good).l Second, he told me to find an opportunity where i could get the drop on the bully and take him out, but do not kill him. He was emphatic about not killing the kid but that he could get me out of anything less. Since I was on the tennis team, in both cases I found each bully alone and whacked them over the head with a tennis racket, hard….like skull fracturing hard. Of course their parents made a stink, the school tried to expel me, but my dad had enough clout in town to keep me out of trouble. I never started a fight in my life, but I finished three of them. Nobody ever fucked with me after that. However, an interesting thing about anger. When I was in 8th grade, there was an obviously gay teacher named Mr. Simons. He was rather small but was angry. One time, he thought I said something disparaging to him in the hallway and threw me up against the wall and punched me in the mouth drawing blood. I walked away from him and
went to the principal and told him i wanted to call the cops as Simons had assulted me. The principal told me to forget it, so I said that I wanted to call my dad. He ended up calling my dad with a totally different version of the events and tried to throw me under the bus. My dad did a little investigating, asked around, and found out I was telling the truth. Nothing happened though until about 10 years ago when I was walking down my beach, 1200 miles away from where I went to school. I was standing there and who walks by but Mr Simons. My blood boiled and I walked up to him and asked if he was Mr Simons from Chicago. The moment he said yes, my elbow was in his nose and he went down like a sack of potatoes. I don’t know where that came from and I didn’t know I had it in me, but I finished that fight 30 years later. I very well understand the psychology of bullies, spending 25 years in the trading pits where everyone is a bully and it is mortal financial combat every day. The cure to getting bullied is to never, ever pick a fight, but never walk away from one (even if you get the shit knocked out of you), and make sure you take the bully out very hard. It is essential to take the bully out, and if there is a group, deal with them individually. Preferably in a private place with no witnesses, ensuring you deniability while they are taking him to intensive care. Sometimes in life, you just gotta man up and show some balls. This touchy feely stuff is for the birds, and you just have to deal with it. Bullies are cowards, and are not invulnerable. As for scars, everyone in life has scars of one form or another so scars are a rather moot point. Another point, if you earn the respect of your peers and have your own self respect, bullying won’t be much of a problem.(And don’t say I’m blaming the victim) Geez…..until this post, I haven’t thought about bullying in years.
October 9, 2010 at 12:41 pm |
Now I will tell how my “episode” ended. At the suggestion of my mother (!), one morning I took an empty Coke bottle with me to school, which I concealed. I deliberately waited to be the last person to exit the schoolbus. When I stepped onto the last step, “Billy” was of course waiting for me. I pulled out the Coke bottle, and looked at the bus driver, who was smiling. I calmly said to Billy, If you touch me, I will bash your brains in. And he ran away. When the teacher asked if I had done this, I said yes, because you won’t help me. The result was that I got a bad grade in conduct for the first time in my life (I was a goody-twoshoes kind of student). The situation was complicated by the fact that Billy was the principal’s son, so she was just too chicken to intervene or to tell the principal. There was a second incident. Billy pulled my hair in class (what an idiot this teacher was, to let him sit behind me). It was just after Christmas, and Billy had come to school crowing and showing off a notepad with a gold pen he’d gotten from his parents as a gift. When recess came, I lagged behind and scribbled on every page of his new notebook. (Sabotage.) Again, when asked, I said yes, it was me. The teacher made both us stand outside in the hall. Then the principal came by and asked why. After hearing us, he told me to go back inside the classroom and told Billy to come with him.
Looking back, I think Billy was whatever the PC term for it is now, developmentally challenged. I believe at that moment that his Dad realized the potential for what could happen. He was literally three times my size. The next year, sixth grade, the principal was my teacher. Billy was in the othe sixth grade class, and after that, when we switched schools to junior high, I never saw him again. Nor have I thought of him, until this post.
I cannot imagine having a teacher organize a campaign against me, or actually being assaulted by one. My experience seems weak by comparison. But it had a very profound impact on me. I developed a life-long attitude which only comes out in times of extreme physical fear, but the attitude is this: you may hurt me, you may win, you may even kill me, but I’m getting in some damage on my way out.
And HP, you took care of yourself too. As you said, you learned to fight.
October 9, 2010 at 12:48 pm |
And as for forgiving and forgetting. I really do forgive Billy and his Dad and the bus driver. I do not forgive my fifth grade teacher in the least. My parents, a little more. I at least have to give my mother credit for the Coke bottle idea.
October 9, 2010 at 4:01 pm |
HP, I wouldn’t presume to get into your head but I honestly think you play yourself cheap here.
Could it possibly be that your experience has made you think that censorship in the blogosphere is just another form of bullying? Perhaps the sh*t you take on the blog is a reflection of hard-learned tolerance for others, even those with ideas and argument style that you find repugnant. You are the sum total of all your experiences, my friend and while those memories may be very painful, they have indeed help lead you where you are today.
Success is the best revenge …. and you won.
October 12, 2010 at 1:50 pm |
[...] October 12, 2010 disconnectedgeek Leave a comment Go to comments Someone sent me a link to this. Apparently the author of that piece actually died last weekend. It’s very sad: he’s [...]
October 30, 2010 at 4:48 am |
Who whould wnna to go on a heavy diet ,anyone?. Eat however much you want, just dun forget to keep excercising
December 2, 2010 at 4:32 am |
Thank you. Awesome article you got going on here. Got some more sites to direct to which have a bit more info?
December 2, 2010 at 4:56 am |
Thanks bud. Awesome blog you got here. Have some extra links to link to which have more info?